Almost there

Well this week I will be 34 weeks pregnant and I have to admit the nerves are kicking in. This pregnancy has been probably my easiest. I still had some problems with my hips and back but for the most part, I have felt well. Ayden is going to be our fourth baby and he seems to be progressing in the same fashion that all the others before him did. He is going to be large, we just don't know how large yet. Caroline and Thatcher were both well over 9 lbs and Kylie was just under it weighing in at 8lbs 12 ozs. He seems healthy as far as all the ultrasounds have gone but the worrying has begun.

If anyone has ever had a complication during pregnancy or labor, they know that the next pregnancy they wait fearfully for it to happen again. When I had Caroline, I hemorraghed and lost about 2 pints of blood. There was no one to blame, since there is no warning of hemorraghing until it actually happens. It doesn't matter, it makes you feel awful afterwards. I was green after I had Caroline and it took months for me to gain the energy I lost from losing all that blood. With Kylie, it didn't happen, well I should say it started slightly but the doctor caught it quickly and gave me a shot and that was it. It was wonderful, to feel so good after a delivery and be able to go home and enjoy my baby. Then came Thatcher and it happened again. That time, it took two shots, 3 pills and two iv bags to fix it. I lost 2 more pints of blood. So needless to say that I am terrified of it happening again with Ayden. We do know now that it has to do with the size of the babies. (the bigger the baby, the more likely to have problems) I am not afraid of death or anything that horrible. I am afraid of the feeling of exhaustion that comes with the blood loss. This time I will have 4 kids, I won't have time to be that tired.

Along with the medical fears that come with this 4th baby there are other psychological fears running through my head. Caroline and Kylie will be in school next year. How am I going to take care of a baby, a 2 yrs old and help them with thier homework? Jeremy is gone most of the week, so it is just me most of the time. How am I going to stretch myself that thin? I know I am not the perfect mother, in fact, I know I am not close but I do try and one of my biggest fears is neglecting one of my kids. I was the quiet one in my family and I was always pushed aside for those "squeakier wheels". I do not want to do that with any of my children. Sometimes with just 3, I feel pulled and stretched from so many different directions and now we are adding another.

I guess I should put a disclaimer at the end of this. I am not complaining about having 4 kids. We wanted all of our children and God seems to always know the best time for us to have each of them. These are just somethings that run through my head lately. Do other moms have these same fears? I always feel like the frazzled mom while all those other moms have time and money to get thier nails and hair done. They always look put together and I, well.... I always seem to have a few hair out of place. Did I miss some mommy 101 class, that gives you hints on how to handle all this and do it while looking your best? It is only by God's grace that I seem to keep it together, which I guess is more than enough.